ash like snow
by ncfan
Summary: She breaks on the truth, and her world has burned. — Mami —


I own nothing. I just hope this isn't OOC.

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><p><em>It can't be true. It just can't be. What does my life mean if it is true? What has all of this meant, if what she says is true?<em>

She hadn't believed Homura at first. The idea was so preposterous and so terrifying that there was no way Mami could believe it. Perhaps if she had known Homura better, then maybe, even as farfetched as what the girl was saying was, Mami would have given her a fair hearing, but she just couldn't. The idea she presented was just too terrible to countenance.

What Akemi Homura has attempted to make them believe is that Puellae Magi become Witches when their Soul Gems corrupt beyond saving. What Homura has told them is that all Puellae Magi, all of them, are doomed to become the monsters whom they fight and kill. Her implication is that all of them are doomed to succumb to their despair.

Sayaka, in her brash way, almost immediately accused Homura of trying to cause divisions in the group, and Mami could help but agree with her. None of them knew Homura very well, and she certainly was more secretive than what could be considered wholesome; it was more than reasonable to assume that she had an ulterior motive. For all they knew, Homura's whole motivation could have been to cause dissent, to spread fear and doubt.

_Never trust the stranger, _Mami told herself in the attempt to bolster her own confidence. _Especially a stranger who volunteers nothing of her own past. Akemi-san likely was looking to shatter our resolve, though for what purpose we can not know._

Give it a few days, and things have taken a complete turn.

-0-0-0-

_What have we become?_

Mami's hands shake as they grasp her musket. She can barely find the breath in her lungs to keep her head from spinning, and there is a ringing in her ears, a blackness rising up from the depths to stain her thoughts.

She watched Sayaka succumb before her very eyes, the small body of a girl abandoned as something monstrous took its place.

(_An armored mermaid with familiars who danced in wild circles and played an eerie strain on the violin. The air smelled of water and rain and tears, and as she ventured further into the Witch's barrier, the other three who remained by her side, Mami could feel her heart breaking even more, the way Sayaka's must have too.)_

Homura tried to tell them that Miki Sayaka could not be saved, and again no one listened. Mami hadn't wanted to believe, even if she had been right about Puellae Magi turning into Witches, that Witches could not be saved, that they could not be reasoned with and return to the state of humanity.

No one listened to her, and once again it turned out that Homura was correct.

_She's dead now, dead and gone. Our words could not reach her; her ears were made deaf by a heart lost in despair. It's as Akemi-san said; she was lost from the moment she allowed her Soul Gem to corrupt completely._

_And what now is to become of us?_

Mami made a wish to save her own life, and has had to live with the weight of the guilt that comes from knowing that she could have saved her parents as well, but didn't. _I've lived with the truth of my own selfishness. I live with the ghosts of my parents hanging over me, always asking why I didn't think to save them. All I could do was to live as I promised I would, fighting to rid the world of creatures born of despair. _

_I never thought to ask where these creatures came from._

_I never thought to ask what this meant for me._

_I didn't know._

_Oh God, I didn't know._

They're all going to turn into Witches. The weight of that realization hits Mami like the force of the whole world coming down on her shoulders as she looks at the ones who remain. They will all undergo the same process of corruption as Sayaka, and become something that threatens all of mankind.

_None of us are human anymore. We'll all become monsters. We're all going to turn into something monstrous. We're all going to be warped and transformed until we don't qualify as even remotely human._

If that's the truth, than what has this all been for? Mami bought back a couple of years of life spent without her parents in it. Was it all so she could turn into a Witch? Is that really all her efforts have been worth?

_If that's the truth, that I'll become a Witch no matter what, then this is all worthless. My life, my efforts and struggles, my triumphs and failures, they're all meaningless. They're not worth anything. All that matters is that, no matter how much I try to stave off corruption, no matter how much I rage at the inevitable, I will become a Witch. I will become like Sayaka-chan: base, monstrous, and incapable of being saved. I will spend the rest of my days cursing humanity, killing all whom I see._

Her soul will degrade until she becomes a Witch, and there is nothing Mami can do about it. Eventually, she will become something that renders all of her dreams and struggles meaningless, and there is nothing that she can do about it. That is the truth, the horrible, inexorable truth.

_And them… I dragged them into this. I made them think that becoming a Puella Magi was a good thing, that we were a force of justice, when in reality, we are the very monsters we fight._

If they are all doomed to become monsters if they remain like this, then there is only one solution.

_We all must die._

Mami looks them over, all three of them, and feels the tears welling in her eyes, even as she discreetly starts to ready her musket for battle again. _We all must die before we can become Witches._

Akemi Homura, small and slight, with a vaguely mousy appearance that gives a deceptive sense of helplessness. Mami can only imagine the despair this quiet young girl must have experienced when she first discovered the truth for herself. Homura already shows signs of breaking; she smiles rarely and Mami can see the bleak anguish in her violet eyes.

_You've suffered far more than anyone should, I'm sure. I don't want to see you suffer anymore. You tried to warn us of what was coming, and I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. I'm sorry that I let Sayaka-chan call you a liar. Surely you, at least, will understand why I have to do this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but at least this way you won't have to cry your Cassandra truths to the world anymore._

Madoka is so sweet, so innocent. She became a Puella Magi out of pure idealism, wishing to rid the world of darkness and despair. She is as light, so caring, so idealistic. Mami can't bear the thought of that idealism being perverted into the black despair of a Witch. The idea of that slender form taking on the eldritch characteristics of a Witch is an abomination.

_You're too kind for your own good, Madoka-chan. The world will take your kindness, use you, warp your good intentions and abuse your good will until there's nothing of you left, and when that day comes, you will become a Witch, spreading despair instead of joy. I know you don't want that._

And Kyouko…

Kyouko, Mami will kill first.

_Kyouko-chan, you never really recovered from the loss of your family, did you? You gave your soul to help your father's church, and when you told him he was anything but grateful. He called you "witch"—the irony of it!—and tried to kill you. He would have succeeded if not for what you had become. He then proceeded to kill all of your family for the taint he claimed you brought on them, and then killed himself by swinging from the rafters of the church that he had built._

Though she puts up a tough front, Mami knows the truth of Kyouko and knows how little joy is left inside. Kyouko does not yield to despair—"Despair is for wusses", Mami's sure Kyouko would say—and instead faces life with a grim determination. But Mami knows that deep down, Kyouko has doubts, Kyouko is in pain, and Kyouko has not healed.

She has already been victimized once, forced to watch the death of her loved ones, and Mami can't bear to be the one who victimizes her again. Not that way. So she'll kill her first, and make sure to finish the job where Kyouko's father failed.

_I'm so sorry, but you must see that this way is better. Better that we die with our humanity intact than as creatures who live only to curse this world._

Mami's world has burned when the truth became clear. The ash has settled on the ground and it crunches beneath her feet like snow. For every molecule of ash Mami can see a wasted wish, a wasted dream, the pointlessness of it all. It's all ash, nothing but ash, and there is nothing that can save Mami anymore, nor anyone else.

_I should have died in the car wreck. I should have let myself die with my parents before I ever consigned myself to this fate, or encouraged others to do the same. I have been the Devil's accomplice, luring others to this same hellish fate. I am damned, and they are damned._

_What other choice is there?_

As she binds Homura in ribbon—given Homura's powers, Mami knows she can't be too careful—and shatters Kyouko's Soul Gem, sobs tear from Mami's throat like screams of agony. In a way, they are screams of agony; she can feel nothing but pain and anguish, apologizing over and over in her head (_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _so _sorry_), but never once does she think of choosing another path.

The world is ash, and Mami can see no other way out.


End file.
